Chinese Neurosis

“You know, maybe we're – we're only good at brief encounters, walking around in European cities in warm climate.” – Before Midnight

Nine inch blossoms in water cascade behind Vanda’s door. Afraid to open, keen to try. Yet both feelings mirror each other, preventing any moves. She knows there is no-one to be found, but it is never about knowing. Someone should make the first step, but leaving footprints was never an easy task. She takes comfort in non-existence, at least in social terms. “We’re all just a fading breath on the glass, so why bother to leave traces?”

Something still lurking outside, creeping at the backseat of mind. It wants to make music louder, but no-one should let it take the driving wheel. Nor this time nor ever. Even if it is okay to let go, everything may be okay, yet you should draw lines somewhere. You should mobilize, be something concrete. At least for the moment of second thoughts. Always pick the first one and never look back. Maybe just a peek. Whatever, it is done. Let’s move on.

Vanda leaves the outskirts of previously familiar ways of thinking to open any door on her physical way. At least she thinks it’s physical, but every piece of thing can be just a trick of the mind, a new coin to flip. Whatever.

Bed surely hisses with predicament towards anything that moves outside the door, weaving a new plot around Vanda’s face. Surely a person can overcome anything, it’s just a matter of determination. “But why are we so determined to see life as an obstacle?” Questions like these always drifted her away from going outside. It seemed like a duty – to give each thought its respectable time of attention. Annihilation of one’s self to let a thought be the vanguard behind one's face. Even if for a split second.

Derogatory. Punishment. Disorder. So clumsy to call such interesting deities with such foolish names. Naming – tagging someone, as a livestock! – was always a perverted way of seeing the world. The World. W-O-R-L-D. Funny stuff. Like “worm”.

Apartment windows always saw Vanda as delusional, but she never showed her confusion in front of them. Not because she wanted to look better, but for the tiny hope that if she imitated bravery long enough, she would become brave naturally. All people’s games are totally natural and unavoidable, leading to nowhere. That's the point, this is the only destination we all have. Well, at least you – I’m nothing to do with this.

While we are talking, Vanda is already snitching something from the refrigerator, because living might be boring without biological needs. Have you ever eaten steamed broccoli? Thinking of me as a madman? Be sure of it, it may lead you somewhere. I’m just bored, but with food it becomes completely another story. I start to devastatingly exist, clinching myself in life’s entity with such brute means. People changed the world (let it be “wormd” from now on, please?) with a dessert – just look at Marie Antoinette.

Talking about my favorite topic totally retracted me from Vanda, which was a total mistake: she started reading books upside-down just to avoid the humming noise from the bathroom tube. It reminded her of childhood days, when she was certain that someone was sneaking at father’s house each week just to take a shower and leave some lines of hair as evidence to follow. Of course Vanda never left the house to follow this trace, it would have broken our story. Just move on. Like, if you are physically able to do this. We should include a diverse audience from all over the world (are sure you won’t prefer “wormd”?) to sell this script. Pay attention, two-legged-friend.